Parents have to be Hogan's heroes

(This column was first published July 24, 2004 in the Oakland Tribune. It was my first official column.)

MY TEENAGE SON woke me at 3:30 a.m. "Dad, can you help me? The puppy threw up, and I need help cleaning it up."

What Matt really wanted was for me to clean up, by myself, the mess of our newest roommate, Hogan, a 12-week-old black Labrador mix. Hogan was, no doubt, scared his first night in his new home.

When I walked into Matt's bedroom, I saw that Hogan had thrown up on the leather bean-bag chair.

"How are we going to clean this up, Dad?" Matt said.

Dad to the rescue.

"Let's get it into the shower and rinse it off." This meant me standing in the shower with the chair, followed by Matt daintily drying it off with a towel.

When we got back to the bedroom, the puppy had made another type of mess, this time on the rug. "Ooh," Matt moaned. "Can you clean it up, Dad?"

I just laughed. No way, son. This comes with owning a puppy. Yesterday was fun, this morning it's work. I could see and hear Matt's frustration. I could see the scared look of this innocent puppy peering up at us, thinking, "What'd I do?"

Ten minutes later we were back in our beds. Three hours later, I pulled Hogan out of his crate to take him outside, in hopes he would pee. "That's a good boy." One for three.

Matt decided he wanted to look for a puppy on his 17th birthday, earlier this month. A local pet store was hosting a pet adoption day, in conjunction with the local SPCA.

We initially had a slightly different plan for finding a puppy. We wanted a puppy we could train from the start, one that wouldn't shed and would be about 40 pounds when fully grown. And preferably a female.

That all went out the window when Matt saw Hogan. Cute with floppy ears beats logical thinking every time.

The puppy looked like he'd grow to about 65 pounds, Labs shed like crazy, and she was a he. At least he was a puppy.

"Isn't he cute, Dad? I'll take good care of him," Matt pleaded.

We decided to get our dog from the pound to save a life and to
save me a few bucks. Besides, the two best dogs I've owned have been mutts.

For two weeks, we scoured the want ads and various pounds. When we found Hogan, an SPCA volunteer asked us questions, trying to ensure we would be a good match. She was worried that our condo wouldn't be adequate for a dog of this size. She wanted to know we would love him and not dump him at the first sign of trouble.

OK, time to sell Club Mead. We told her that we live next to a greenbelt, that we would walk him twice a day, that we would take him to the nearby dog park a couple times a week and to the water maybe once a month.

"I'll take him fishing with me," Matt boasted.

Then the closer: "And we already know the first year means lots of chewing, and he's going to shed," I added.

Sold.

After doling out $100 in fees, which included neutering, and another $100 for puppy stuff, we set about making a home for our furry roommate. We put together his dog crate with fluffy puppy pillows for him to sleep. We showed him where his water and food dish would be.

The puppy met us as Dozer (think sleepy) and walked out Hogan, after the famous golfer, Ben. Matt's a golf fanatic, and the week before he had brought home his newest purchase, a Ben Hogan club.

I think that pets are a prelude to having children. They're a warm-up for real life, and they teach kids responsibility.

Teenagers sometimes act selfishly as they learn to be independent of parents, but Matt will have to be selfless for a while. Hogan is counting on it. He's just a puppy, learning how to be a dog. Sort of like Matt learning how to be a man.

Some day, Matt and I will look back at that shower scene and laugh. Maybe when he has a child and has to get up in the middle of the night, or maybe when he gets a puppy with his son.
Just as Hogan relies on Matt, Matt relies on me for helping him sort through life. The day after the early morning crisis, Matt thanked me in his own way.

"I never would have thought of the shower," he said. I just smiled.

Doug Mead has been a single dad for 10 years and has written about single-parent issues for several magazines. He can be e-mailed at doug@parentingsolo.com

A diamond is something worth waiting for

(First published in the Oakland Tribune on Jan. 22, 2006.)

In the Academy Award-winning movie “Cold Mountain,” Aida watches as a man she barely knows goes off to fight for the South in the beginning of the Civil War. As the man, Inman, marches off with his mates, she makes a promise to him: “I’ll wait for you.”

The memories of their brief encounters keep Aida (Nicole Kidman) and Inman(Jude Law) going through trying times. When they finally meet again, they share how they lasted through their struggles while apart. Aida wonders how those brief encounters could keep a man going. Inman calls those moments “diamonds.”

I have found a “diamond” in Susan. A friend introduced us at a dinner this summer. We started talking on the phone, doing the e-mail thing, going for walks, meeting at group activities. Then we started dating. I waited two months before I kissed her. This is one of those “head over heels” loves. She’s beautiful, intelligent, witty, fun to be with, a good mom and has her priorities in order.

So after five months, I thought I’d write about our sex life, or rather, our non-sex life. You see, it didn’t take me long to realize that Susan was someone special and that I wanted to treat her differently. One day I just grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes. “I don’t want to sleep with you unless I marry you. I’ll wait for you.” She smiled back. “OK. I’d like that.”

We’re in our mid-40s and have been divorced for a long time — 11 years for me and nine for Susan. We both realize that sex before marriage hinders intimacy, the very thing we both want most. We believe that abstaining from sex before marriage best prepares us for the trying times in marriage. When sex becomes a part of a relationship, that seems to become the priority. Instead of romancing the woman because you really like her, you romance her to get her into bed.

That isn’t an option for Susan and me, so we spend more time talking about our hopes and dreams. Don’t get me wrong, we have our heated moments, but I always go home and clothes stay on. And it isn’t that we aren’t physically attracted to each other. As Elvis put it so eloquently, “She’s a hunka burnin’ love.”

In my 11 years as a single parent, I’ve been celibate by choice maybe 98 percent of the time. Those times when I was sexual were fun, but it tended to leave me empty afterward. Sex makes it harder to be objective about who this person is.

Most single parents struggle with their sexuality after divorce or the breakup of a long-term relationship. That’s normal. But after my divorce, my son had to be my priority, and sex took a back seat.

Not once in 11 years has my son woken up with a woman in our house. Susan
wants to set that same example for her 11-year-old son.

With Susan, I liked from the beginning that she set the standard for how she wanted to be treated, and frankly, I like a woman who sets herself above the others. “If you want to be with me, big guy, this is how you have to act.” And she respects me for honoring her desires.

I need to feel respected as a man, and Susan finds it easier to respect me because of the way I treat her. She feels more loved because I keep my hands to myself. Keeping my promises is important.

When I get married, I want to have certain habits ingrained in my personality. I want to be a good husband, and I think this is the best way to prepare myself. It proves to Susan that I have some patience and self-control. If we marry, she’ll feel more confident that I will be faithful to her. That’s important for both of us.

That’s trust, and we’re building on that every day. It’s like a storage tank, and ours keeps growing. There are no feelings of regret or guilt. “Did we sleep together too soon?” “Is he the right guy?”

Sure, it’s hard work, but marriage is hard. If Susan and I marry, we want it to be successful and to grow old together. We’re working together on our future. A relationship is more than the physical aspects. It’s about love, commitment, respect, honor, intimacy, communication and common interests.

Statistically, people who live together before marriage get divorced at a higher rate than those who don’t co-habitate. What does that say about test-driving a relationship?

The relationship is what’s important for Susan and me. We don’t want to make mistakes with the rest of our lives.

Besides, I think Susan is worth waiting for.

Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years. He and his 18-year-old son, Matt, live in the East Bay. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolo.com.

Testmonials from Parenting Solo Readers

From letters and e-mails in response to some of my past columns:

“I have been reading your column for awhile and am just wondering if you have ever thought about writing a book. You have a story to tell and I think you are very good at being able to write about your feelings and reach folks on an emotional level. You don’t seem to have a problem with just putting it all our there, which of course is what it takes.”
— Jennifer Klepperich, Livermore, Calif.

"Just want to thank you for always sharing your most personal feelings on the ups and downs of raising children on your own. I too will be in your same shoes in less than a year and am finding it difficult already. I admire your decision not to remarry until your son is grown. I too made that same decision and am very happy I did.”
— Claudia Rego, Castro Valley, Calif.

“I just wanted to tell you what a joy it is to read your column. I am a single Mom with an 18 year old son and some of your articles have made me cry, some have made me laugh but almost all of them I can relate to. You are a wonderful Father and your Son is truly blessed. I think the majority of singles out there that really go through all the heartache and experiences that you have are Women. I don't really know that many Dads that have taken on the responsibility that you have.”
— Kelly Meltzer, Castro Valley, Calif.

“I've written to you once about how much I appreciate your thoughts on your son. ... It always gives me a fresh look at my children (3, 5, 8, and 10) and helps to appreciate the average moments. I think it was brave of you to speak about the 'waiting for sex' subject today in your column. You don't see that often these days in the media. Your column is a great witness, besides being entertaining and having great parental advice. Thanks for your integrity.”
— Debbie van Sprakelaar, Fremont, married mom

“Big smile on my face! Great story on the PRIDE in your son! I have two kids of my own (25 & 21)—the pride doesn't end – it just keeps going! Great story--thanks for sharing!”
— Janet Gebhardt, San Leandro, Calif.

“Thank-you for your column, ‘Not yet ready for life as an empty-nester.’ It made me cry all over again! I'm going through the same thing. Unlike your situation, I am female, married, and have three daughters. My oldest is 24, the middle one is 19 and at college, my baby is 17, and will be entering her senior year soon. I am having one heck of a time letting go. I thought this was a ‘female’ thing, so your column was an encouragement to me, coming from a dad.”
— Barbara Hoeffler, Pleasanton, Calif.

“I have been reading and really understanding your columns in the Argus for a few months now. I finally felt compelled to write to you after reading about your mission trip into SF. It is encouraging to me to be able to read about a stranger’s journey into “what’s next,” realizing that I am not the only one trying to figure this out, and how we both seem to be finding ways to write our next chapters. I wish no one had to be on this journey. But I read about how you’re trying to find your legs as well. That’s what I enjoy about your writing.”
— Meg Williams, Fremont, Calif.

“I admire your courage to speak public about (celibacy). I too believe that living celibately by choice is best as a single parent. Although I have made a few mistakes over the last eleven years, 95% of the time I have remained true to my values. I too have found someone who is willing to wait for me. It is difficult not to feel like we are "weird" by today's standards. I have even had leaders of churches that I have been involved with tell me I am asking too much. Luckily, my boyfriend is an understanding and patient man. Because of our decision to wait we have become best friends who also happen to love each other deeply. He respects my commitment to my children (13 and 18) and loves me even more for it. Thank you Doug for sharing so much of your single parent life. It has been a great inspiration to me.”
—Lisa Rodrigues, Tracy, Calif.

"Great article! Great beliefs! (on celibacy)"
— Tori E. Lyon, Hayward, Calif.

“When I read your other article and this recent one I was struck with your heartfelt and truthful words about being a single parent: and the trials that we go through. Your love of family and church hit so close and literally jumped off the pages. I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this! There are so many of us that are trudging through the trenches trying to be what God wants us to be (and smile through it, even though at times I just want to stamp my feet and scream!). … I just wanted to encourage you (its so worth it – our kids are worth it)."
—Debby Leglu, Livermore, Calif.

“We love your columns and I had all my children read especially the one about your new girlfriend and waiting. My sons don’t have Girlfriends yet (ages 24 and 22) but my 19-year-old daughter has a recent first boyfriend and it was a timely piece and a great conversation piece as well for all."
— Robin and Bob Peterson, San Lorenzo, Calif.

“I have read and enjoyed your column in the Argus for some time now – and have often thought of emailing you. So many times, while reading, I've had that feeling of "yes, been there and done that" or "that's exactly how I felt!" Though I'm not the type that usually emails perfect strangers, your articles struck a chord with me and I wanted to let you know. I'm also a single parent – I have twin sons who are 21 years old and attending UC Berkeley. They live with me and commute."
— Lorraine Burkholder, Fremont, Calif.

“(Your article on dating) was really good. I am recently divorced and your article pretty much nailed how I feel.”
—Mark Lupica, Tracy, Calif.

“I read Doug Mead’s column often and enjoy it very much. The article on Feb. 19 was really sweet. I really re­lated to it. I, too, have a child who is 18 and in college. Though she lives three hours away in the dorms, I laughed when your son complained that you are never home. When you asked him if he wanted to hang out, he responded no, but the dog misses you and come spend some time with him. When my daughter gets home for breaks, she always is holed up in her room yet com plains when I leave. Her re­sponse is, ‘don’t leave, Jessie (our cat) will miss you.’ I guess all our kids really need is our physical and emo­tional presence nearby.”
— Fran Herts, San Leandro, Calif.

“I read with pleasure Doug Mead’s column. I am in agreement with your article on “Searching for truths on their own terms” (Nov. 13, 2005). Any other words of wisdom to help me understandour children’s views on life is definitely appreciated. I enjoy reading your observations, ideas and suggestions. I believe my mother role is one of my most important roles. I am another single parent who continues to strive to be a better parent.”
— Vangie Ford, Castro Valley, Calif.