A diamond is something worth waiting for

(First published in the Oakland Tribune on Jan. 22, 2006.)

In the Academy Award-winning movie “Cold Mountain,” Aida watches as a man she barely knows goes off to fight for the South in the beginning of the Civil War. As the man, Inman, marches off with his mates, she makes a promise to him: “I’ll wait for you.”

The memories of their brief encounters keep Aida (Nicole Kidman) and Inman(Jude Law) going through trying times. When they finally meet again, they share how they lasted through their struggles while apart. Aida wonders how those brief encounters could keep a man going. Inman calls those moments “diamonds.”

I have found a “diamond” in Susan. A friend introduced us at a dinner this summer. We started talking on the phone, doing the e-mail thing, going for walks, meeting at group activities. Then we started dating. I waited two months before I kissed her. This is one of those “head over heels” loves. She’s beautiful, intelligent, witty, fun to be with, a good mom and has her priorities in order.

So after five months, I thought I’d write about our sex life, or rather, our non-sex life. You see, it didn’t take me long to realize that Susan was someone special and that I wanted to treat her differently. One day I just grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes. “I don’t want to sleep with you unless I marry you. I’ll wait for you.” She smiled back. “OK. I’d like that.”

We’re in our mid-40s and have been divorced for a long time — 11 years for me and nine for Susan. We both realize that sex before marriage hinders intimacy, the very thing we both want most. We believe that abstaining from sex before marriage best prepares us for the trying times in marriage. When sex becomes a part of a relationship, that seems to become the priority. Instead of romancing the woman because you really like her, you romance her to get her into bed.

That isn’t an option for Susan and me, so we spend more time talking about our hopes and dreams. Don’t get me wrong, we have our heated moments, but I always go home and clothes stay on. And it isn’t that we aren’t physically attracted to each other. As Elvis put it so eloquently, “She’s a hunka burnin’ love.”

In my 11 years as a single parent, I’ve been celibate by choice maybe 98 percent of the time. Those times when I was sexual were fun, but it tended to leave me empty afterward. Sex makes it harder to be objective about who this person is.

Most single parents struggle with their sexuality after divorce or the breakup of a long-term relationship. That’s normal. But after my divorce, my son had to be my priority, and sex took a back seat.

Not once in 11 years has my son woken up with a woman in our house. Susan
wants to set that same example for her 11-year-old son.

With Susan, I liked from the beginning that she set the standard for how she wanted to be treated, and frankly, I like a woman who sets herself above the others. “If you want to be with me, big guy, this is how you have to act.” And she respects me for honoring her desires.

I need to feel respected as a man, and Susan finds it easier to respect me because of the way I treat her. She feels more loved because I keep my hands to myself. Keeping my promises is important.

When I get married, I want to have certain habits ingrained in my personality. I want to be a good husband, and I think this is the best way to prepare myself. It proves to Susan that I have some patience and self-control. If we marry, she’ll feel more confident that I will be faithful to her. That’s important for both of us.

That’s trust, and we’re building on that every day. It’s like a storage tank, and ours keeps growing. There are no feelings of regret or guilt. “Did we sleep together too soon?” “Is he the right guy?”

Sure, it’s hard work, but marriage is hard. If Susan and I marry, we want it to be successful and to grow old together. We’re working together on our future. A relationship is more than the physical aspects. It’s about love, commitment, respect, honor, intimacy, communication and common interests.

Statistically, people who live together before marriage get divorced at a higher rate than those who don’t co-habitate. What does that say about test-driving a relationship?

The relationship is what’s important for Susan and me. We don’t want to make mistakes with the rest of our lives.

Besides, I think Susan is worth waiting for.

Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years. He and his 18-year-old son, Matt, live in the East Bay. You can e-mail him at doug@parentingsolo.com.